The Official Request of a Drunken Redneck

The Official Request of a Drunken Redneck   —  

If you’re going to exercise freedom of speech to the point that it violates the rights of those around you, while lacking the intelligence and research required to furnish a reasonable argument in favor of your alienating opinions, you should at least be prepared to suffer the consequences of that behavior, and by all means, there should be some consequences.

Last Wednesday evening, I had the opportunity to deliver some consequences to a “feller” doing just what I described in that first paragraph. While eating just my second Mexican dinner of that week, a few middle-aged, male patrons bellied-up to the bar right next to me. The loudest, and by far most ignorant of the bunch immediately inquires as to the whereabouts of a particular bartender whom was off that evening.

“She went to the Bon Jovi concert tonight,” said the bartender on duty. And the ensuing dialogue went something like this (paraphrasing): “Bon Jovi!? What a $%!* #@%^ piece of monkey !*&#^ liberal he turned out to be! Why the @#%@^ would anyone go see that @#$^ liberal? I hate all @#$^^ @#%^! liberals. I’ll kill every last one of them @#&* %#&!^”

Now, the only reasoning I was actually able to decipher as to the purpose of this rant was that apparently, in light of the recent fad of massacring school children with automatic weapons, Bon Jovi has taken to speaking outwardly in support of firmer gun control regulations in the US (as have a slew of other famous figures), and how sickening it was to this guy that those “@#$^0# liberals wanna take away what little freedoms our government has not taken away already.”

“Whatever happened to guys like John Wayne and James Dean being who made it famous in Hollywood,” he asks.

I certainly wasn’t going to be the one to tell him James Dean was actually gay in real life, as I sat there in my Warby Parker glasses, eating my veggie quesadilla, with my hipster, Macklemore haircut, thinking, “yeah, these guys probably aren’t going to like me too much.” The mere fact that I know James Dean was gay probably makes me a “!$#% #$%^* liberal piece of monkey @$^$!” to a person like that.

Naturally, my first instinct was to immediately finish my meal, cut my break early, and open the next set with “Livin’ on a Prayer.” And you know I did! But that’s only half of the fun I ended up having with these clowns. The remainder of the challenge came when I decided that, when all was said and done, I was gonna make these people like me so much they’d even tip me!

I knew head douche-bag’s friends would find it hilarious that I went straight for the throat, as long as I followed it up with a collection of very “non-liberal,” classic “‘Merican” music. And you know I did!

I played through a laundry list of legendary “‘Mericans” like Springsteen, Petty, Hank, and Cash. I screamed out aging, suburbanite, white people favorites like “American Pie,” “The Joker,” and “Jack & Diane.” Hell, I even threw in some new school, and went all Georgia pride on ’em with some Zac Brown Band, “Chicken Fried.”

Before I knew it, mission accomplished. And not only did lead douche-bag himself come drop a $20 bill into my guitar case, he also left me with my single-most prized request napkin of all time, the inspiration for this entire post, and in a nutshell, a summary of this man’s entire existence on planet earth. Ladies and gentleman, I present to you, the official request of a drunken redneck:


Sorry, I don’t happen to know that one. Glad yous can spell real good though. Yous must’ve been edumacated muchly. That’s onaccounta how yous know so much about them there gun control issues.