I Give Up

So it’s Wednesday, it’s 11 o’clock, and the dance floor is covered with business people I managed to keep around long after happy hour with my “incredible DJ skills.” I was in the middle of a foolproof dance music block which I started with “Wobble” by V.I.C., into “Yeah” By Usher and Lil’ Jon ftg. Ludacris, and was currently in the middle of “In Da Club” by 50 Cent. Hi-fives were flying. Dancers were aplenty. Dance skills were no where to be found. It was a typical late night Wednesday crowd at a Mexican restaurant/bar in suburbia.

“Let’s keep this party going,” I thought to myself. “Time to break out the old staple.” And like that, just as I dropped the next track into the queue, my auto-crossfade began (“incredible DJ skills”), and the most classic, guaranteed never to fail in a room full of dancing white people song of all time fades in.

A few measures in, the bass line starts. That classic, Quincy and Jacko groove from one of the top selling records of all-time. I crank up the volume. “Billie Jean” is in full swing. “I’m golden. I can’t lose. I’m the greatest of all time,” I allow myself to believe.

As I turn around, I find the dance floor completely empty, and the crowd of people who just finished dancing to 50 Cent now returning to their seats. All that was left was the sad and lonely sight of an empty, fully-lit dance floor the likes of which can only be found in the images manufacturers of DJ lighting equipment use to show you the effect that a particular product displays.

As I think to myself, “maybe it’s about time for my nightly glass of bourbon,” I approach the bar. A lady who had just arrived (and who must’ve passed right by the big group of dancers as they were returning to their table) says to me, “it feels like I’m in a club in here with all that lighting. Do a lot of people normally get up and dance?”

Extra! Extra! Read all about it: “‘Billie Jean’ Clears Dance Floor for First Time in History!”

I give up. Make mine a double. Maybe the category for this post should be “The Crowd Goes to Sleep” instead? Maybe I should retire.